When I woke up in the hospital, even though I was half paralyzed, I felt so like myself, I didn’t comprehend what had happened to me. I didn’t realize the damage my brain had. I was so focused on the physical side of the recovery, the mental part of it was swept to the wayside.

In rehab, I had been assigned daily Speech Therapy. Speech Therapy is meant to work on cognitive deficits after stroke; things like memory, processing and executive functioning. I had to organize a closet, a garden bed and prove I could swallow food without choking before I “graduated.” My speech Therapist spoke to me like I was a child and I practiced the art of sass and sarcasm on her. She loved me. I hated being talked to like a child. I’M 34 DAMNIT. I hated Speech Therapy. It felt dumb and boring. why am I organizing someone named Debrah’s closet?

I continued Speech in an out patient facility after graduation, because I thought I was supposed to…plus, what’s the harm in exercising the injured parts of my brain? I still didn’t understand why I was required to go. I didn’t really have cognitive deficits.

The second Speech Therapist i met was kind and older than the first one. She reminded me of the old librarian that used to read to us in kindergarten before naptime. She treated me like a child… again. what’s up with this, Speech Therapists of the world?? We worked on memory games, how to count change- all basic stuff I learned and retained in my 10+ year as a barista/ waitress/ bartender around the globe. I got bored, again. Why am I here?

2023. I sat at my desk, stared at my laptop, my inner blue- wheel of death was spinning. I spiraled down the rabbit hole of deep thought. Why am I not contributing more to society? I need to be a real productive human. I can’t create a life out of doom scrolling, looking at other survivor stories, comparing myself to literally everyone else. I have to get out there, live, experience the world, get a job, be a person, have a purpose. That will make me feel like less of a piece of trash.

So, I did what everyone does in pursuit of a job. I spruced up my Linkedin, signed up for Indeed, Zip Recruiter and started reaching out to everyone in my old networks, letting them know, Hey! I’m on the market. 

Insert tacky commercial voice over moment:Kick Ass Designer Here, Available to bring your firm to the next level!

Networking does really work, ya’ll, and a friend reached out connecting me with someone looking for someone to join their team. I landed the job, to my surprise, and adored every moment of it. I had always dreamed of this; of being a big time designer in the big leagues. I made it, or, at the very least, I’m on the path to making it, and fuck, it’s really hard.

I loved my job, but I was struggling everyday. I didn’t know how to ask for help, or why I was struggling. I know how to do the work, I understand what’s going on, but I’m struggling, hard. Sometimes, you have to advocate for yourself. Sorry, no… Survivors, not sometimes… this is an ALL THE TIME situation. You are the only expert of you. You always need to advocate for yourself.

I knew I felt off and wasn’t getting the care needed, so I asked my neurologist for a Neuropsychiatric Evaluation, to dive deeper into my brain’s inner-working so I can be educated about what’s going on with me and I can then ask for the help I need and find the appropriate tools to help me participate in the world.

The evaluation took 3 hours. The results lifted an enormous weight off my shoulders. I’m not crazy, I don’t have major deficits. There’s nothing wrong with my memory- why the Speech Therapists focused on Memory is beyond me. My biggest challenge is in Processing. You give me directions then go on a tangent about your great Aunt and her fat Corgie, I won’t get those directions… I’m still processing your damn Aunt. I stay silent at a large dinner party, because I’m soaking in the multiple conversations at once, if you talk fast and a lot, I may not have a fast response time. I struggle with quick decisions, since I’m processing each option in my head at the speed of 1991 Dial Up. I am diagnosed with a Mild Neurocognitive disorder and Post Concussion Syndrome- Ok, Mild isn’t too shabby! I’ll take it. I guess.

I also learned that, at the time of my evaluation, I showed symptoms of severe depression, which makes a lot of sense why I felt so down and isolated from my coworkers, and it was in that time that  I showed major decline in productivity and performance at work. I couldn’t explain myself.. I didn’t know what was wrong. I was depressed. It all makes sense now, finally.

I finally have answers. Now I that I have this deep understanding of my brain, and how it’s really working, I can find the right tools to do a better job and make great contributions out there in the world. I’m just upset it’s 3 years too late.

My Neuro Psychologist told me, if she had her way, she would see Stroke survivors first, before anything else, and I wholeheartedly agree and hope that seeing a Neuro-psychologist becomes a standard part of our aftercare. It’s imperative to your recovery, to understand and be educated about your injury and how it affects you and your life. If we don’t know what’s wrong, we don’t know how to ask for help.

I can’t recommend these evaluations enough. The more you know about your injury and yourself, the more powerful you will become and the more fluid your recovery will be. I don’t understand why education isn’t apart of the rehab process. The only people who treated me like an equal and educated me about my body and injury was the OT/PT team– and we wonder why my physical recovery is so strong? Education is everything, ya’ll.