After a life altering injury,or stroke, like what happened to me in 2021, it can feel like your entire identity is stripped from you. For the last three years, I’ve felt lost, grasping the air of what was; the dancer, the designer, the super wife, the future mom, the life of the party, the ride or die friend.

After I woke up from the coma I had been in, I had no idea what had happened to me, and was very unclear that any damage had been done – I was ready to jump back to work within minutes. I guess my toxic trait is setting unrealistic expectations for myself. After being let go from my dream job in 2021,for being a “liability” – yeah, let that one sink in- once I was released from the hospital, and then let go again, in 2023, from dream job #2, my heart was shattered and I refused to give up on my design dream. Six months of searching for a career, and several positive interviews followed by ” you’re just not experienced enough” dismissals- yes, with 7 years of experience, we certainly read between the lines, and see the disability discrimination there, has made me secretly wonder, in a sea of tears, is it me? what’s wrong with me? Did I chose the wrong career?

NO. NO I DID NOT. I don’t know if you’ve met me or if you’ve been following along for a while, but I don’t give up. If I gave up easily, I’d be dead. Stroke survivors are fighters. This industry has clearly built up a wall for me to climb, and I will.

In 2006, I moved to Los Angeles to pursue the dream of dreams, as a dancer. I began dancing in 1998, an fell in love with hip hop, madly. I started doing it professionally, in Colorado, for the AFL Crush team and the NBA Nuggets as the Mod Squad, around 2003 until I left for LA. I auditioned 2-3 times a day for everything under the sun, from Janet Jackson, to some random pilots, a few music videos, and the movie Step Up 2. I was rejected, by almost everything, except Step Up- I got callbacks! I was so excited, I could taste success!! Callbacks were in Baltimore, so I booked a last minute flight. I crushed the callbacks, and even got to have dinner with the director and two of the actors in the movie, Chris and Adam. I thought this might be a good sign!!!

The next day, I recieve a call from the director Jon himself, telling me, he wants to put e in the movie so bad, but, I look too much like the main female character he already casted. BUT. He’s filming a new series he wants me in. holy exciting!!

WE’RE ON SET. We’re filming. I’m dancing, I jump on my toes ( think, Michael Jackson) POP. My ankle swellls like a balloon. I fracture my ankle so severely, it was nearly broken. the mediic warned me not to walk, let alone dance on it for several weeks.

Jon is holding the Step Up 3 Auditions. “Christa, can you do a reading for me, at least, if you can’t dance right now?”

“my flight leaves in a few hours!”

My chance for success was just barely out of reach.

Let’s go back to 2021. I found out my body is half paralyzed. how am I going to dance again? I always defined myself as a dancer, carried my confidence and identity in being a dancer. When that ability was pulled from me, the haunting question loomed over me, WHO ARE YOU?

Yes, I did teach myself to dance again in 2022. It was one of my biggest goals. But it doesn’t have to be my defining personality attribute. It’s not my life anymore. I am Christa, a fighter, a fierce friend, a coffee nerd, a hopeful gardener, a brain injury community resource, not really a professional dancer anymore, but definitely has rhythm.

When you lose your identity, yes, it’s difficult. You have to grieve through it. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t crying all morning. It’s also an opportunity to start a new. a clean slate. An opportunity for self discovery.

Don’t ask yourself WHO WERE YOU?

more like who do you WANT to be? What are your strengths right now?