Have you ever had brain surgery? I’m guessing for most of you, probably no. Well, I’ve had two.

The first was the grand removal of my skull to allow my squishy brain to breathe or swell so dramatically, as one does, after i flew off a scooter like superman, face planting not so gracefully onto the concrete fracturing my jaw, severing my carotid artery. (See post What The Heckin Heck Happened)

The second was my reunion with my missing boneflap a solid 6 months later. Finally, finally, I never thought I’d ever look forward to a brain surgery so much in my life.

There’s this fun paperwork you have to sign. You know, the whole, this procedure might kill you kind of paperwork… I had my second surgery in my earlier-mid 30’s. Yeah, yeah, we’re all as good as our early 20’s in our earlier-mid-30’s, right? So, i skipped over the small print.

blah blah blah, this might cause seizures, death and bloop blap blap, this isn’t important.

big sigh.

signs name on dotted line.

I WANT MY SKULL BACK, PLEASE!!!!

The important element I skipped over, you know… minus the death part.. was the fact that seizures are a common side effect of this surgery. Not only this surgery, but also brain injuries in general, so the surgery made me a double candidate for epilepsy.

“You probably don’t have real epilepsy.’ A friend of mine said to me when I talked to her about this issue.

I looked at my medication bottle, “yeah, well, the literal diagnosis is Epilepsy, so… I guess there’s that.”

I love being gaslit.

i’m not entirely sure what this “real epilepsy” is that my friend is speaking of, because whatever this demon is that creeps in through my eyes then my neck, and takes over my entire being, it scares the hell out of me and I wish it would just go away.

I was on my way home from an appointment, casually listening to jazz, as one does on a sunny, chilly winter colorado day, and I felt the inside of my left eye begin to spazz, almost like a fluorescent light starting to blow a fuse. I lifted my foot off of the gas, realizing, this is bad. And the spazz moved over to my right eye.

Then into my neck, and my head started to rattle like a baby toy. I’m as alert as ever. I know this feeling. And I don’t like it.

I switch lanes quickly, pulling into the nearest King Soopers parking lot, as far from people and cars as I possible could. I callled my husband. I gave him my location.

I’m having a seizure. I tell him.

The car is parked completely,I’m safe, everyone around me is safe. i’m still on the phone, my head starts moving to the left uncontrollably. I can’t speak. I don’t know what to do. Inside of my head, I’m saying, “WAIT!” repeatedly, but I can’t physically say anything. I keep thinking that someone is coming up behind me on the left side, but no one does. It’s both haunting and isolating at the same time.

i’m in the back seat. I think. How did I get here? I feel sick. I want to barf. or pee. I can’t tell which one is more urgent.

Can someone turn off the radio? Sam was still on the phone with me, telling me he’d be right there.

It’s not the radio. It’s a voice. Maybe I should respond to it just incase… am I dreaming? My neck hurts. My body hurts. my everything hurts. I’m tired.

I’m okay, i think. I really have to pee.”

In the end, I’m a little shook, okay, a lot shook, still a week later. And grateful to have experienced one of my bigger fears with a best-case outcome. I’m grateful to have the type of epilepsy that I do. I have focal/Aura seizures, which give me warning signs- in this case, I had enough warning to allow me to act quickly.No one can ever tell me i’m slow or “brain damaged” because I was sharp that day and drove better than many Denver drivers do on a regular Tuesday, and I was in the middle of a seizure!! I’m pretty sure my case is a rare occasion, but I wanted to tell the story because I know many of my peers share the same fear.

The unfortunate reality is, due to losing consciousness, I’m losing my independence for 3 months and will not be driving. At least spring is upon us, and I’ll get some practice walking and i’ll start flexing my writing muscles again… So here’s my moment for shameless promotion. Subscribe and keep tuning in, because you know I’ll keep word vomiting through this car-less winter!